50 Funniest One-Liners That Will Leave Your Friends Laughing
We've all experienced that awkward moment of silence. It happens even in a gathering of old friends. There's a lull in the conversation, and nobody knows quite what to say. You want to save everybody from the awkwardness, but your mind is a blank. You don't want to blurt out something stupid, because that just makes the moment all the more awful and cringe-worthy. But if you had a game-plan—a foolproof one-liner, say, that could suck all the tension out of the room—why, you'd be a hero! You'd be the Chevy Chase circa late-'70s of your social circle, the one who could be counted on to say the perfect thing at the perfect time to make everybody feel a little less uncomfortable and silly. If only you had planned ahead and had a few one-liners in your back pocket, ready for whenever you needed them… Relax, we've got your back. Here are 50 of the funniest one-liners that are perfect for any occasion. Commit them to memory, and you'll have your friends laughing so hard they won't even remember why the conversation had lagged in the first place. And for some light-hearted humor guaranteed to make you crack a grin, don't miss 50 Puns So Bad They're Actually Funny.
The city of Wabash, Indiana , was the first in the world to be lit by electricity
You might have thought a bigger, brighter city might have been the first priority when it came to electricity. But nope, that honor went the city of Wabash, Indiana (current population: 10,000!). The lighting took place on March 31, 1880, when four "Brush lights" invented by Clevelander Charles F. Brush were lit on the city's courthouse.
While salt may not be calorically-dense, it can still have a significant effect on your weight loss—or lack thereof. In fact, researchers at the University of Helsinki have found a strong correlation between salt and rising obesity rates, as well as an increased risk of stroke and coronary heart disease. And for more ways to slim down fast, start with these 20 Surprising Weight-Loss Tips That Anyone Can Do.
We think of serotonin as that neurotransmitter that makes us feel good and is released to our mind by various illicit substances. But in fact, more than 90 percent of serotonin is produced in our digestive tract.
Amazon isn't the only online retailer with good deals on new and used textbooks. At the end of the school year especially, the Craigslist books & magazine section is usually overflowing with $200 textbooks selling for just $20. (The schoolbooks on Craigslist are so famously cheap, in fact, that some people scour the site for the books only to sell them on Amazon for a hefty profit.)
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Salary
While finding a new job should be seen as a way to try to score a higher salary, you should never do so by lying about what you currently make or more recently made. And yet, one collection of research from Grad School Hub found that more people lie about their salary than anything else on their resume, with 40 percent of people admitting to doing so. Not only is this morally wrong, but a potential employer could hypothetically reach out to your previous job and uncover your lie, which would most likely disqualify you from securing a position. And if you want to negotiate your salary at your current job instead of finding a new one, This Is Exactly How to Ask for a Raise.
But don't try to smoke them. While we've all heard that fruits and vegetables are packed with nutrients you probably weren't aware that tomatoes also contain…nicotine? In fact, studies have shown that eating nicotine rich things like tomatoes and peppers can actually help reduce your chances of getting Parkinson's disease. And to discover more foods you should definitely be consuming, check out The 50 Best Foods for Your Brain.
Middle children have a hard time finding their place.
Neither the family leader nor the baby, middle children do often test out a wide variety of identities before settling on one that fits. While it may stem from their older and younger siblings getting pigeonholed by parents or a desire to get some extra attention, middle children often seem like a different person on a weekly basis. "They seek to find interests that don't already belong to other family members making them feel foreign to their parents and themselves isolated and secretive," explains Krawiec.
"I think maybe my parents really do know what they're talking about."
It takes a certain level of maturity to accept that dear ole Mom and Dad aren't so wrong about everything in the world after all. And for more wizened wisdom from pop, don't miss The 30 Most Useful Lessons We Learned From Our Dads.
You heard one is the loneliest number, but did you know numbers can be happy, too? To test if a number is "happy," replace it with the sum of squares in its digits, and continue the process until the number equals 1, or loops into a cycle that does not include 1. If the process ends with 1, the number is happy. For example, take 23: 22 + 32= 13 12 + 32 = 10 12 + 02 = 1 That means 23 is a happy number! Counting to 1,000, you'll find there are 143 happy numbers.
By the time you're in your 40s, you may not have the super sharp memory of your youth—and that's because your 4os bring a fundamental change in how your brain stores and retrieves memories. According to Natasha Raj, associate professor of psychiatry at McGill University, this shift has "detrimental effects on day-to-day functions that place emphasis on memory for details, such as where you parked your car or when you took your prescriptions."
They don't provide any actionable guidance whatsoever.
While no good therapist won't ever try to dictate your behavior, a complete lack of guidance is a major red flag. "A therapist is not supposed to tell you what to do, but they are supposed to guide you based on the information and experiences that you present them," says Kulaga. "If you feel that every time you leave a session you have gained no insight, guidance, or direction from the therapist, it might be time to seek out a new therapist."
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Making People Feel Stupid About Their Lack Of Expertise
In a modern economy, most people need to gain some sort of expertise. Nonetheless, this shouldn't become a reason to make others feel dumb about their lack of knowledge in your specified field. Instead of scoffing at their questions which reveal a lack of awareness of the topic—as would be a natural reaction—try taking a second to think about how you'd want them to respond should the two of you switch places. You just might find yourself acting quite different.
Anxiety issues are common with those who have autism, whether they're children or adults. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA), it's not a core feature of the disorder, but it's not an uncommon one and presents itself through things like phobias, compulsions, social anxiety, and separation anxiety. There can also be a lot of anxiety around food and eating.
Okay, so it's technically two words, but they're always used together. Beginning in the early 1980s and continuing on through the 1990s, there were a number of incidents involving United States Postal Service workers shooting coworkers, comrades, and even innocent citizens. Because of the string of terrible tragedies, people began to use the phrase "going postal" to describe people who are uncontrollably angry and even violent—and while these shootings have thankfully mostly stopped, the phrase is still widely used today.
It's unlikely you saved all those Happy Meal toys from when your parents let you have McDonald's as a kid. But if you had, you'd be able to afford plenty of Big Macs. A full set of 1979 Underwater Monsters or the Teenie Beanie Boos of 2000 could pull in a few hundred bucks, if they're in good condition.
If you find your hand and wrist aching after a long day of typing on your computer, you're far from alone. One study published in Neurology reveals that the incidence of carpal tunnel syndrome rose from 258 per 100,000 people in the early 1980s to 424 in the early 2000s. And considering the significant increase in smartphone use since 2005, younger individuals are developing the condition more often, as well.
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You think you can instantly become fat.
Yes, your metabolism slows after 40. No, that doesn't mean eating one piece of sponge cake will turn you into a sea sponge yourself. If you can't reasonably moderate your diet to accommodate your changing body, that's a clear sign you're entering your 40s fearfully.
Former President George H.W. Bush celebrated his 90th birthday by skydiving. That, friends, is how you grow old like a true stud. You don't shy away from the things that terrify you, you go directly towards them. So strap on that parachute, get in the plane, and get ready for the time of your life.
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40 Relationship Tips That Are Actually Terrible Advice
When things get tough in a relationship (or on the dating scene), it's natural to seek out the advice of friends, family, and even experts. Unfortunately, not all love advice is created equal, and some of the most frequently-mentioned recommendations could potentially do more harm than good. These are the little bits of "wisdom" relationship pros wish people would stop listening to immediately. And for more on what mistakes you shouldn't make, check out the 40 Worst Mistakes Married People Make.
It might not feel like it now, but sometimes rejection is a true blessing in disguise. Instead of taking it personally and feeling down about the situation, realize it just wasn't meant to be or right for you at this moment in your life. Then, figure out a plan of how you can move forward. That way, you can find the people and opportunities that really do belong in your life. And to really send your mood into the stratosphere, check out these 17 Things Happy People Do Every Morning.
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Name three methods (other than matches) to build a fire.
Any Scout to get the Wilderness Survival badge must be able to use three methods—besides striking a match—to light a fire. And no, "lighter" doesn't count either.
Hard work doesn't always pay off—and if it does, it takes a long time. If you see someone working their butt off, let them know you admire their work ethic. It'll motivate them to keep going.
Wrap a rubber band around the neck of a soap dispenser
If you have little ones who think every hand-washing session merits using a cup of soap, or a particularly germ-conscious spouse or roommate, this trick can save you serious cash. Wrapping a rubber band around the neck of a soap dispenser will slow its flow, meaning you'll get an appropriate amount of soap with every pump rather than running through a bottle every week.
While you may think your grandchildren are perfect angels compared to their parents, comparing the two won't go over well. Every family is different, and inviting comparisons between your kids and their kids will only make everyone involved feel less worthy.
In this day and age, many couples are ambivalent to choosing a partner from their same religious background. Science says that might be a mistake. According to research published in Demography, interfaith marriages have higher rates of divorce than intrafaith ones. The exact risk factors, meanwhile, vary according to "similarity in beliefs and practices of the two religions, as well as with the mutual tolerance embodied in their respective doctrines."
Are your legs looking a little (or a lot) bigger than you remembered them being? If so, it's time to get your prostate checked out. Swelling in your legs due to a buildup of fluid caused by lymph node damage—otherwise known as lymphedema—can be a sign of prostate cancer, says Dr. Greuner. That said, removing the cancer won't necessarily remedy things as fast as you might hope: Many people find that prostate surgery and cancer treatment can spur lymphedema or extend its duration.
"What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time…' A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this…'"
Repeat after us: "My life is not a Chuck Norris movie. I do not need to settle every disagreement with fisticuffs or a roundhouse kick to the jaw. I am not an action movie star and pretending otherwise could and likely will land me in the ER." Just repeat this like a mantra anytime you feel the urge to express yourself with your fists.
When you take these criticisms or comments in stride, you are ensuring a life full of self-love and self-acceptance," says Bridgitte Jackson-Buckley, a meditation expert and the author of the book The Gift of Crisis.And for more ways to live your best life this decade, here are the The 40 Best Ways to Conquer Your 40s." src="https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/aCKekd4Zlh06j.zgF8yK9g--/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjt3PTk2MDtoPTY0MA--/https://s.yimg.com/uu/api/res/1.2/hpVPGdf0dkUUQTezlu1WOA--~B/aD02ODM7dz0xMDI0O2FwcGlkPXl0YWNoeW9u/http://media.zenfs.com/en-US/homerun/best_life_342/825369a9e2765368d58774c42f59153c" class="caas-img">
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Your tolerance for constructive criticism
Now that you're 40, you've accepted your fair share of both constructive criticism and unwanted feedback. And hopefully, you've learned not to take too much of it to heart. "When you take these criticisms or comments in stride, you are ensuring a life full of self-love and self-acceptance," says Bridgitte Jackson-Buckley, a meditation expert and the author of the book The Gift of Crisis. And for more ways to live your best life this decade, here are the The 40 Best Ways to Conquer Your 40s.
Loading up on plenty of produce is an essential part of heart health, so if you aren't already friends with fruits and veggies, start filling your grocery cart with more. The American Heart Associating recommends getting at least 4.5 cups a day. Pro trick: A recent study published in Psychology & Marketing found that eating a bite of apple before hitting the supermarket aisles can increase your fruit and veggie purchases by upwards 28 percent!
Enter the room with a sense that it's enhanced by your arrival. No, not as though you own it and members of the opposite sex are all aquiver as you heave into view, but just as though you're arriving from someplace interesting and you bring news of the teeming world out there. If you feel like an asset, you have a better chance of being one.
Walmart is infamous for finding ways to negotiate prices down with their suppliers to the point that no other big box retailer can compete. If you're a business owner competing with the brand, this isn't fun to deal with—but as a buyer looking for ways to save money on electronics, it's a perk that definitely comes in handy.
It's hard to tell what this white lie even means. Is this just a tactic to complain about your salary without actually saying as much? Or are you trying to prove that you care more than your coworkers? Whatever the rationale, it's only going to leave a bad taste in everybody's mouth. Whether you're bragging about your tireless devotion to the job or not-so-subtly asking for a raise, nobody needs to hear it.
The top of your TV? Dusted once a week (if you're good). Behind it? Well, that's a different story. "Electricity is a magnet for dust and you will find large amounts of dust behind your television and electronics," says Francos. "Make sure to dust and vacuum these locations very well and wipe your electronics with a microfiber cloth. Not only will your home be free of even more dust and allergens, but your electronic devices will have a longer lifespan since dust is often the cause of electronics malfunctions."
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Christmas trees can be dangerous.
Okay, so your odds of a tree fire have dipped significantly since the days when we use to precariously balance lit candles on the branches, but Christmas trees still pose some dangers today. According to CBS News, 45 percent of people don't water their Christmas trees daily, despite 70 percent knowing they're supposed to, and these dry trees are far more likely to catch fire from a nearby candle on a mantle or faulty Christmas light wiring. Keep your home safe by keeping all live flames far away, hydrating your tree regularly, and discarding it before it becomes overly dry. And while you're considering your safety, This Is the Most Dangerous Day of the Year to Drive.
"You are such a good friend that, if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket, I'd miss you so much and talk about you fondly to everybody who asked."
little bit higher on that unsteady ladder to hang up the Christmas lights, or leaning out over the tree to put up the star, the winter holidays often find us in precious positions," Dr. Long Gillespie says. "Remember that when you're hanging Christmas lights or any other decoration, always have someone standing at the base of the ladder to spot and hold it steady. Also, be sure that all feet of the ladder are on level ground, and be careful decorating in the dark, when it's even easier to miss a rung or other hazard."" src="https://s.yimg.com/ny/api/res/1.2/bAqY.e_Cy5NBVTOMsLDVVA--/YXBwaWQ9aGlnaGxhbmRlcjt3PTk2MDtoPTY2Ng--/https://s.yimg.com/uu/api/res/1.2/d5Njw0KVmrq6NkK6wJMP.w--~B/aD03MTA7dz0xMDI0O2FwcGlkPXl0YWNoeW9u/http://media.zenfs.com/en-US/homerun/best_life_342/694ef271545ffa437a381f735eccfe09" class="caas-img">
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Falls Off Ladders
People will go to dangerous lengths and heights for the perfect Christmas decorations. "When you're climbing just a little bit higher on that unsteady ladder to hang up the Christmas lights, or leaning out over the tree to put up the star, the winter holidays often find us in precious positions," Dr. Long Gillespie says. "Remember that when you're hanging Christmas lights or any other decoration, always have someone standing at the base of the ladder to spot and hold it steady. Also, be sure that all feet of the ladder are on level ground, and be careful decorating in the dark, when it's even easier to miss a rung or other hazard."
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Hotel/airfare packages allow both vendors to slash their prices.
If you're booking a flight, it's likely that you'll also need to book a hotel—and those two rates combined can seriously add up. Lucky for you, many large hotel chains offer package deals with major airlines—and that means you can save big on both expenditures. "If the hotel doesn't have to show their price and the airlines don't have to show their price, both are willing to give lower prices not available otherwise," said Time MacDonald, former general manager of online travel agency Expedia.com, to the New York Times. Look for these bundle deals on travel sites like Expedia, Kayak, and Hotwire.
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"Ate it"
"Heard an American say 'he ate [it]' when someone fell over…it baffled me," says a user on Reddit. And for hilarious instances of this, check out these 50 Epic Fails We Can't Stop Laughing at.
